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Stephen Hawking has located an enormous sucking object at the centre of the Labour Party, he has announced today.
The object is so dense that it appears to ‘bend’ reality around it so people can see 1979.
Hawking claims to have detected the self-contained ‘bubble’ reality at the centre of the party whose internal state is impossible to know and the usual laws simply don’t apply, by observing how it bends reality to accommodate it.
“Jeremy Corbyn cannot be seen in the usual sense as light just falls into him,” Hawking told us.
“The only way to ‘see’ him is to watch objects like John McDonnell, Diane Abbott and Seumas Milne orbit him with the life slowly being sucked out of them.
“The strange thing about Corbyn is the way he pulls people in without him having any gravity whatsoever. He really is an anomaly.
“He has what we call a vote horizon, in which any votes which approach the Labour Party vanish utterly and are replaced with a burst of meaningless information.”
Labour insiders have denied the existence of any rift at the heart of the party, and insisted that even if there is it is all Tony Blair’s fault.
“Attacking the anomaly is completely counterproductive,” we were told.
“We should focus on the important issues, like asking Ming the Merciless and The Borg round for a cup of nettle tea so we can open a dialogue.”
