Prime Minister Theresa May is to use a speech to Scottish conservatives to convince Scotland to vote for independence by outlining why a posh Tory thinks they shouldn’t.
Mrs May, who is about as popular in Scotland as exercise, is to launch what she calls a positive vision for the UK union despite making the speech in a country that couldn’t give the remotest shit what she thinks.
She will tell the Scots, “Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown had their problems, and people said they would be better off apart. I wonder if those people think differently now?
“All I’m saying is that Scotland would be more likely to be pulled out of the bath in time as part of a union, than it would on its own drinking itself into oblivion.”
May is also expected to list the benefits Scotland can offer the UK in the post-Brexit world.
“Scotland offers a rich source of places to shoot grouse and get eaten by midges in the rain.
“The Highlands alone play a vital role in reminding us why we should holiday abroad,” the PM will read out, before praising Scotland’s proud industrial heritage.
“Tartan biscuits, rust-coloured drinks, gingers who boo England in pubs. These are all vital ingredients that make the UK such a vibrant place to live,” the premier will lie.
Appealing directly to Scotland’s population of 5,000 people, May will also claim that England can offer them some fringe benefits too.
“I know it’s not much, but we did bail out your banks,” she will say apologetically.
“And there’s always those wheelbarrow-loads of subsidies and benefits to think about.”
SNP leader Nicola Sturgeon will rail against suggestions that Scotland is financially better off as part of the Union.
“We need to reject the pound and embrace the McDollar”, she might ask, during a photo opportunity with the first bagpipes born in captivity.
“How else am I going to get my face on a currency?”