David Bowie wins five Grammys because nothing worthwhile has happened since he died

David Bowie won five posthumous Grammy awards last night as the music industry hasn’t really done much interesting in the last year since he died.

The awards, for Best Rock Song, Best Rock Performance, Best Alternative Music Album, Best Recording Package and Best Engineered Album, pitted Bowie against a host of stars including Radiohead, Beyonce and Justin Beiber – leading insiders to describe the outcome as a foregone conclusion.

Bowie, who couldn’t be present at the ceremony due to being dead, still managed to inject more life into his work in 2016 than many who actually did attend.

There was a twitter outcry after The Chainsmokers collected Bowie’s award for Blackstar on his behalf, mostly from people who consider The Laughing Gnome or The Little Drummer Boy to be his best work.

“We had been hoping there might be some unknown track of Bowie rapping somewhere in his archives to save the day, but sadly we had to give that Grammy to Chance”, said organiser Simon Williams.

“And we had to give Adele a fistful of awards because she said if we didn’t she’d be so sad there’d be two or three albums in 2017.

“Sorry, David, but we think he’d understand.

“With any luck, there might be a flowering of new, innovative and interesting work in music in time for next year’s awards, but unless Prince’s archive of unpublished material gets released we aren’t holding our breath.”