Following the shock news that Peter Capaldi is to leave the role of Doctor Who, the show’s producers have revealed that, in keeping with modern sentiment, his replacement will be a bigoted sociopath who despises anyone who isn’t middle-class and white.
The surprise move comes after years of one of television’s most popular characters being a wise, kind and decent man.
“There doesn’t seem to be a great deal of appetite for wisdom and kindness these days,” said a Doctor Who insider.
“So, the new Doctor will be a power-hungry careerist bastard who hates foreigners and poor people.”
The regeneration into the new Doctor will take place in this year’s Christmas special and his first adventure will see the new Doctor ignoring requests from the oppressed Garglefargs of Reptina-Four because he would rather ‘look after his own’, and instead take up several ‘advisory’ positions on the boards of several FTSE 100 companies before replacing his Tardis with a BMW.
The episode will end with the Doctor kicking a homeless refugee in the balls and then lobbying for a hard Brexit.
Michael Gove is said to be ‘extremely interested’ in the role.