Public servants to swear a blood oath to Theresa May

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New proposals put forward by Business Secretary Sajid Javid will see all public officials shed blood and swear an oath of fealty to Prime Minister Theresa May.

Once a month, all new public servants, from nurses to Parliamentary private secretaries, will gather in Wembley stadium to swear the oath.

A standard Governmental ceremonial dagger will be provided, but if participants have their own ceremonial daggers, then they will be permitted.

Theresa May will appear on stage and welcome the new public servants to a lifetime of servitude and subjugation.

The participants will then slice into their left palms with the daggers and make the following pledge

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“I swear by the blood in veins to worship and obey only Theresa May.”

It is understood that Theresa May wanted a slightly different oath.

“Yes, the PM was really excited when she first heard Sajid’s plans,” said an anonymous spokesperson.

“She originally put forward her own oath which included the phrase ‘all-powerful dark queen’ and some lyrics from the first Sisters of Mercy album, but we were able to talk her round to keeping it simple.”

The blood oath will not be compulsory, but public servants who decide against swearing it will be assumed to be anarchist radicals and must consent to a lifetime of harassment, observation and intrusion by Theresa May’s secret police.