Christmas is Coming, warns House Stark

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Ned Stark of Winterfell has warned that Christmas is Coming, and will bring with it an invasion of jolly supernatural entities from the North.

House Stark, whose words tell the warm lands of the South to prepare for a time of cold, darkness and merry festive cheer that could last for up to twelve days, has been banging on about this for the last year.

Ancient legends tell how the denizens of the land beyond the wall spend the age of summer slowly, surely producing toys and plotting to hurl them down the chimneys of man – a claim dismissed by most rational thinkers.

“Tyrion Lannister is a dwarf who likes gold and drinking,” Ned Stark told us. “Which pretty much sums up everything about Christmas in one go.

“If anyone can get into the festive spirit it should be him, right? So what’s his problem?

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“And Lysa Tully told me the only way a fat bloke in a red suit will be flying down the vale of Arryn is if they lob King Robert out of the Moon Door.”

Stark admitted that he had been bitterly disappointed once already when he heard Ramsay Bolton had said ‘bring me flesh and bring me wine’ and it turned out he meant Theon Greyjoy’s cock and something to wash it down with.

However, not everyone has rejected Stark’s warning.

“Ned says Christmas is a time for loving your family,” Jamie Lannister said.

“Well, I’m definitely up for some of that.”