The man who turns everything he touches into Skittles has leapt to the top of the US ‘most wanted’ list after Donald Trump identified him as the greatest threat to US security.
Shop worker Tim Williams, 55, is implicated as the mastermind behind a series of Skittles-related attacks, leading to United States forces being put on high alert until he is brought to justice.
It is feared he has been radicalising vulnerable young adults with his touch, turning them from disaffected youths into heaps of Skittles hell-bent on destruction.
“Tim started small, turning staplers and desks into piles of Skittles, but over time his terrorist activities have only grown in ambition,” we were told.
“We tried to get Tim to integrate, but have been forced to act after we found the USS Abraham Lincoln had been turned into a pile of brightly-coloured confectionary overnight.
“And frankly we’re not going to forgive what he did to Mount Rushmore.”
Intelligence sources suggest that Tim is in hiding somewhere in a gigantic red, yellow and orange mountain on the Afghan/ Pakistan border.
Drones strikes on the mountain have thus far had little effect beyond setting off an explosion of fruit flavours.
Trump has further outraged LGBT groups by stating that anyone flying a rainbow flag will be forcibly detained and anyone claiming to have “tasted the rainbow” will be executed for the good of the country.