In an attempt to bolster public support for the badger cull, the Countryside Alliance have claimed that badgers are responsible for various crimes, including vandalising war memorials and ATM fraud.
Countryside Alliance spokesman Simon Williams insisted that badgers routinely display contempt for the nation’s war dead and think nothing of carrying out cashpoint scams on the elderly.
“Never stop your car for an injured badger,” he warned.
“There will likely be several other badgers hiding in a bush waiting to overpower you, steal your vehicle and leave you for dead.
“If badgers weren’t nocturnal, I honestly don’t know how they’d sleep at night.”
Experts insist the cull is unnecessary and does nothing to stop the spread of bovine tuberculosis, but Mr Williams insists TB is just the tip of the iceberg.
“What these so-called experts don’t realise is that badgers hang around on street corners, intimidating people and making lewd threats against our womenfolk.
“Some areas of my village are no-go areas for non-badgers.
“We just want our countryside back.”