Following the conclusion of the heptathlon which saw former golden girl Jessica Ennis-Hill finish in second place, IT support worker Simon Williams has confidently declared she is now ‘shit at sports’.
Although she won the 800m – the final discipline of the completion, it wasn’t enough to salvage her tattered reputation with Williams, as she crashed out of the gold medal position and slumped to a hateful, embarrassing and utterly dismal second place.
“I’ve watched all the highlights, and saw some of it in London, so I’m obviously an expert,” said Williams.
“And silver is just piss-poor, frankly. She’s embarrassed herself, her team, her country, and the entire human race.
“I can only hope she sends out a hand-written apology to every living person on the planet.”
Previously idolised as an inspiration to women everywhere, Williams predicted that she has set the cause of equal rights for women back by about twenty years.
There are also questions being asked about her training routine.
“Obviously, she claims to have worked really hard at training,” continued Mr Williams.
“But she can’t have done, or she’d have got the Gold.
“I reckon she just spent the last four years lying on the sofa eating cereal from the box and watching Homes under the Hammer.
“And I know from experience that it’s only natural athletes like myself that can stay in shape under that sort of regime.”