Queen still hoping for a vomit-free ‘arise, Sir George Osborne’

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Her Majesty the Queen is determined to knight George Osborne without throwing up.

Queen Elizabeth II first felt the rumblings of nausea when scanning through David Cameron’s proposed list of resignation honours.

“Then she said ‘Sir George Osborne’ out loud,” said palace spokesperson, Simon Williams.

“Or, more accurately, she got as far as ‘Sir’ before writing off the floor of her study.”

“Seriously, it was impressive. You wouldn’t think a body that old could summon the pressure necessary to chunder that hard. We’ve had to put sandbags down.

“But she’s determined not to embarrass herself on the big day, so she’s been practising over and over while stood over a massive bucket.

“She’s lost about a stone by now, I reckon.”

George Osborne is one of several dozen controversial names on the honours list, which reads as a veritable whos-who of Tory members, Tory donors and general Tory arse-lickers.

“At least none of them are Sir Philip Green,” said Williams.

“Her Majesty bled from the mouth when she first tried pronouncing that one.”