Britain should take full responsibility for all overseas territories except the Falklands, insists Corbyn

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Labour Leader Jeremy Corbyn has strongly insisted that Britain should impose direct rule over all overseas territories except the Falklands who should be cut loose at the earliest opportunity.

Responding to reports that overseas territories are running themselves according to their own rules, Corbyn insisted this was ‘utterly unacceptable’ and Britain should take full responsibility apart from in places where Margaret Thatcher is popular and a nearby desperate socialist government is making a land-grab.

In a strongly worded statement, Corbyn outlined his position that there could not be one rule for the rich and one for everyone else, but there could be one rule for some overseas territories but not others.

“Colonialism is a holdover from times best left behind, which is why it’s important these faraway places should do exactly as they’re told by us,” he told the BBC.

“If they want to be part of Britain they should follow our rules, administered by us directly, unless they happen to live in the South Atlantic in which case they can fuck themselves,” he added.

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“Obviously we can’t impose direct rule there as that would upset my chums in the Bolivian revolutionary movement.”

Other countries which are nothing to do with the UK should also obey our tax laws, whether they want to or not, and should be forced to knuckle under in a nice, non-colonialist sort of way, he clarified. If they don’t we could always send a gunboat or something.

Responding to the statement, the government of Argentina agreed this was just the sort of joined-up policy thinking they want to see from Britain.

A spokesman for the Falkland Islands told reporters that the islands intend to become a tax haven sharpish as then Corbyn will be desperate to keep them.

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