Half of British workers call in sick with Zika virus

Some of your lazier colleagues are making spurious claims of having Zika.

The disease, which hit the news all of 24 hours ago, can lead to birth defects and has quickly spread across the Americas, with no British cases being recorded.

“And yet the Accounts department is a ghost town,” sighed Office Manager, Simon Williams.

“I’ve stopped being surprised to be honest. It happened with SARS, it happened with Ebola, and it will happen when Tuberculosis inevitably rears its ugly head again.

“I wouldn’t mind but some of their excuses are just pathetic. Harry reckons he’s bleeding from the eyes and can’t stop twitching but he also sounded like he was trying really hard not to laugh.

“I’ve only ever bled from the anus but I can’t imagine bleeding from the eyes is that much funnier.”

Alleged Zika sufferer, Elizabeth King, said “yeah, it’s rubbish having Zika.

“I reckon it’s the boils that are the worst. They’re all over my knees which means I can’t clean behind the fridge, and that’s before we even get to the sudden blindness.

“Anyway, must dash, Pointless is on and then I’m down the pub.”