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Vatican officials have moved to dismiss claims of a divine miracle after a blind man claimed to see right through George Osborne.
A team of British ophthalmologists were perplexed when Simon Williams, who has been blind since birth, was able to offer an almost complete description of the Chancellor.
The Vatican-appointed Miracle Commission were informed of the ‘miracle’ and launched an immediate investigation into the circumstances surrounding the case.
“Sure, Mr Williams gave a pretty good description of George Osborne, but upon questioning we quickly clarified how that information was obtained,” a Vatican spokesman told convened reporters.
“This man is living in a council flat consisting of 2 bedrooms when he himself was the sole occupant of the residence.
“He is also unemployed and on disability benefits.
“His flat is on the 22nd floor of a high rise block, whose lift is working about as often as a recent 2:2 graduate.
“So, when Mr Williams tells you that Osborne is a fascist of deplorable merit, whose sole goal in life is to destroy the last vestiges of civilised society by surrendering the needy to a life of lonely poverty and starvation, he is only at the beginning of his detailed articulations.”
The spokesman said as a result of the investigation they had now identified a miracle of a very different type for consideration.
“It was clear to us that there was only one miracle at work here. The ungodly one that saw the Tory Party re-elected in 2015.
“That means we are one miracle short of the Canonisation of one Margaret Thatcher.
“Jesus Christ.”
