Thursday 28 January 2016 by Formelia Alberthine

Vatican dismisses miracle claim after blind man sees through George Osborne

Vatican miracle as blind man sees through George Osborne

Vatican officials have moved to dismiss claims of a divine miracle after a blind man claimed to see right through George Osborne.

A team of British ophthalmologists were perplexed when Simon Williams, who has been blind since birth, was able to offer an almost complete description of the Chancellor.

The Vatican-appointed Miracle Commission were informed of the ‘miracle’ and launched an immediate investigation into the circumstances surrounding the case.

“Sure, Mr Williams gave a pretty good description of George Osborne, but upon questioning we quickly clarified how that information was obtained,” a Vatican spokesman told convened reporters.

“This man is living in a council flat consisting of 2 bedrooms when he himself was the sole occupant of the residence.

“He is also unemployed and on disability benefits.

“His flat is on the 22nd floor of a high rise block, whose lift is working about as often as a recent 2:2 graduate.

“So, when Mr Williams tells you that Osborne is a fascist of deplorable merit, whose sole goal in life is to destroy the last vestiges of civilised society by surrendering the needy to a life of lonely poverty and starvation, he is only at the beginning of his detailed articulations.”

The spokesman said as a result of the investigation they had now identified a miracle of a very different type for consideration.

“It was clear to us that there was only one miracle at work here. The ungodly one that saw the Tory Party re-elected in 2015.

“That means we are one miracle short of the Canonisation of one Margaret Thatcher.

“Jesus Christ.”

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