Decorator’s offer to ‘do a Google’ and pay 3% tax in 2025 refused

An offer by a painter/decorator from Chelmsford to ‘do a Google’ and not pay taxes for ten years and then only pay some taxes, has been refused by HMRC.

“I just assumed that this was a new option,” said Simon Williams, proprietor of ‘Williams’ Walls.’

“Which would be really good because like a lot of people, I’d bloody love to not pay taxes for ten years and then only pay 3% – but the taxman wasn’t having any of it.”

However, inspired by the tech giant, Mr Williams persisted in his quest for an absurdly lenient tax deal.

“Well, next I offered to do 4% in eight years. That’s better than the deal with Google and George Osborne himself said the Google deal was ‘a victory’ and a ‘major success,’ but they still blew me out.

“If I was a cynical man, I’d say that they took Google’s searching-for-stuff-on-the-internet business more seriously than my painting and decorating business.

“Now, admittedly, I’m not able to grant access to hardcore pornography in seconds, but I do beautiful plastering work.

“And I’m happy to give you a lend of my jazz mag collection if that’s what it’ll take?”

Mr Williams plans to go back to HMRC with a revised offer of paying 5% taxes and he’ll do the plastering in their offices at half-price, if they pay him cash in hand.