Anti-vaxxers furious as MMR vaccine found to contain gluten

An anti-vaccination group has expressed outrage after a new batch of the MMR vaccine was rumoured to contain gluten.

The group, Parents for the Prevention of the Prevention of Preventable Illnesses (PPPPI), claims that scientists, funded by lizard people at the top of the pharmaceutical industry, are contaminating MMR vaccines with gluten in order to control the population’s bowel movements.

Hester Ical, founder of PPPPI told reporters, “Our society is facing a gluten intolerance epidemic. Almost everybody is allergic to gluten, even if they have no physical reaction to gluten whatsoever.

“Having said that, I know people who’ve eaten gluten and straight up died – immediately. They told me about it themselves, so I know from first-hand experience.”

She continued, “Nobody knows exactly what gluten is – all I know is I don’t want anyone putting that shit in my kid’s body.”

In a further development, a study of over two children found a direct link between gluten and autism. The leader of the study, Dr Dee Bunker found that in both cases, the children displaying signs of autism had recently eaten gluten.

She told us, “Our study of the anecdotal evidence has confirmed that a combination of the chemicals in the MMR vaccine and gluten produce toxins so powerful that they create a perfect storm of explosive autism.

“What is explosive autism? We’re not entirely sure yet, but we know the vaccines are causing it.”

Mr Ical has created an online petition on behalf of PPPPI calling for an end to all vaccination programs worldwide.

He adds: “Protecting our children from autism-inducing gluten is not only a personal choice, but a top priority.

“Scientists may say that the MMR vaccine and gluten are harmless for most people, but my parental instinct tells me that it’s just not worth the risk.”