Corbyn as PM would see people forced to shit in own pants, claims Daily Mail

author avatar by 9 years ago

The Daily Mail has published the ‘first 1000 days of Jeremy Corbyn as PM’ that sees a post-apocalyptic nation in which people are forced to shit in their own pants after the failure of nationalised toilets.

In this future world dogs are having full sex with cats while mice watch, and a gigantic crack in the Earth’s crust has formed from Devon to the Lake District.

The story begins with Corbyn becoming PM in 2020 and immediately decreeing that everyone wears overalls and calls each other comrade.

The BBC immediately falls into line because that’s full of communists anyway, and BBC2 begins playing Red Wedge concerts and Chumbawumba videos on rotation.

After the first year, everything has been renationalised including toilets, chips and humming.

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All of which immediately stop working (because that’s what definitely happens to anything that is returned to public ownership).

During the second year, President Trump stops talking to the UK because he’s heard that a Mexican lives there and Corbyn is forced to ally with Kim Jong-Un which sees the UK renamed ‘North North Korea.’

North North Korea then legalises inter-species sex after pressure from the influential communist dog lobby.

Finally God appears and rents North North Korea asunder for not agreeing with the Daily Mail.

Somewhere in the middle, it points out that Jeremy Corbyn is married to his third wife because that sort of thing is a big deal to the Daily Mail.

The story has been dismissed as one of the single most absurd things ever printed by everyone, except Tony Blair.

“Sounds about right,” he said.

I think, therefore I am (not a Daily Mail reader)