God rejects Morrissey

author avatar by 9 years ago

God has dismissed claims of a ‘miraculous’ element to the pseudo-fascist songsmith’s abrupt return to earth after a near-death experience, insisting it’s simply ‘because he’s an arsehole’.

Morrissey, who has been described as ‘Jeremy Clarkson for men who cry during sex’, had suggested that he was sent back with a renewed and important purpose.

Speaking though his emissary on earth, Sir Ben Kingsley, the God said: “Morrissey spotted Jesus tucking into lunch with a few of the disciples and asked whether it was ‘vegan-friendly’.”

“I told him it was lamb, to which he replied that he thought slaughtering animals was a mortal sin.”

“When I gently suggested that in fact, I was the supreme arbiter of universal justice he replied that authority was a complex, problematic notion, that he didn’t personally subscribe to, before asking if anyone wanted an autograph.”

Morrissey ‘dead for 9 minutes’

A source close to Jesus added, “You’ve got to marvel at the scrotum on a man who, despite being a whinging figurehead for obsolete, white middle-age, declares that Barack Obama ‘isn’t really black’.”

“Even the old fella wouldn’t do that, and we’re talking about someone who thought it would be ‘fucking funny’ to tell Abraham to tie his only son to a massive rock and slit him up the middle, to ‘see if he really fancies me’.”

Following a nine minute period in which the singer is said to have variously criticised the ‘overt opulence’ of paradise and asked whether he would have his own ‘creative space’, the melancholic Mancunian was ejected from the premises.

God said, “I told him to fuck off, and that he looked like a sad clown who’d been pressed into service as a part-time binman.”