Tabloid reporters hail Harry Kane as England saviour search his bins for dirt

author avatar by 9 years ago

Tabloid newspapers have celebrated Harry Kane’s England debut goal by dedicating back pages to his performance and their best ‘reporters’ to find dirt on the young striker.

After scoring just 79 seconds into his debut, tabloid reporters have been quick to elevate him to the position of England saviour whilst also desperately looking for things to knock him down a peg or two.

Red top sports correspondent Simon Williams told us, “The guy can use both feet, he’s good with his head, and he works incredibly hard – so with any luck he’ll have a secret illegitimate child or an expensive coke habit.”

“Last night was the stuff of dreams, so we can only hope to uncover the stuff of his nightmares some time soon.”

“It’s so great to see talented young English players doing it on the world stage, and one can only imagine what he could achieve for our circulation figures if we can find something scurrilous in his private life.”

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“Harry Kane could break records, seriously.”

Harry Kane’s England debut

Shortly after filing copy for today’s back pages, reporters began searching out ex-girlfriends and people from Kane’s past in the hope they could shed some insight into the new England star.

Another freelance hack told us, “We’re looking to hear about what he was like as a kid, who his heroes were, and whether he ever got involved in any serious criminal activity that was covered up because he can kick a football pretty well.”

“Harry Kane could be the best thing to ever happen to England’s tabloid reporters, but it’s still very early days.”

“It’s a lot for the young boy to carry on his shoulders, for sure, but he looks like he can handle having the hopes and dreams of hundreds of tabloid reporters resting on the fact he has a skeleton in his closet.”

“Hopefully it won’t take too long to find it, I’ve got bills to pay.”