England team’s Code of Conduct to become world’s longest book

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As FA officials realised that they have to list all non-desirable behaviour in order to prevent footballers acting like dicks, the draft for their new Code of Conduct reached 100,000 pages.

Early drafts were a single page, but were swiftly discarded following questions from the squad such as ‘can I bring an air rifle to training then?’ and ‘so I can ignore speed limited now, right?’.

A spokesperson at the FA’s new training centre explained, “We’ve discovered through bitter experience that it’s better to be blindingly obvious than to leave anything whatsoever up to the judgement of a professional footballer.”

“Plus we then have to include lots and lots of pictures, and anything over a couple of syllables will simply be ignored.”

“Do you know how hard it is to find a photo which accurately depicts the request ‘please don’t have sex with your teammates’ partners’?”

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“Right now we’ve got 400 pages of stick men drawings alone.”

FA Code of Conduct

The new document will also include a section especially for Wayne Rooney, in which he will be prompted to use his favourite crayons to ‘bring the guidelines to life’.

The spokesperson continued, “We’ve got sections of the code where the players – maybe just Wayne – can colour in the images themselves, but have to keep within the lines – or ‘moral boundaries’ as we’ve called them.”

“It’s innovative and a little risky to rely on such a technique, sure, but we had to try something.”