We’ve always preferred guitar bands, confirm Battersea Park squirrels

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After One Direction’s Niall Horan required knee surgery following a squirrel attack in Battersea Park, a spokesperson for the rodents insisted they’ve always preferred guitar-based rock.

Horan is said to be recovering well after the incident, during which he was chased by a dray of squirrels keen to emphasise their disdain for manufactured boy bands created solely to satisfy the needs of reality television.

A witness to the incident claimed the squirrels appeared to be out of blood, hurling insults at the blond singer as they chased him around the park.

They told reporters, “It sounded an awful lot like ‘learn to play a fucking instrument’, but in a very high pitched voice.”

“Then there was a lot of cackling and something about sucking Louis Walsh’s dick.  They wanted him dead, I’m quite certain of it.”

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“If it hadn’t been for his security team he’d probably have been taken captive by them.”

Niall Horan chased by squirrels

A statement for the squirrels has explained their justification for the attack, insisting that they are merely trying to make society better for everyone.

It read, “A world in which the popular music industry is dominated by a bunch of pretty boys thrown together at the whim of a multi-millionaire in order to exploit teenage girls is not one we’re happy to be a part of.”

“What happened to the great guitar bands this country used to produce? Why should we have to settle for such mediocrity just because TV executives tell us it should be so?”

“Now, if you could just arrange for a personal appearance by Simon Cowell somewhere in Battersea we’ll take care of the rest.”