Monday 10 September 2012

Grant Shapps: ‘UK economy can access $21m funds presently trapped in Nigeria’

The British economy has a great opportunity to benefit from 21 million US dollars that urgently need to be moved from Nigeria via the account of a third party, new Tory chairman Grant Shapps has revealed.

British taxpayers would take 30% of the total fund value, simply by supplying their bank details and making a small down payment to facilitate the transaction.

“The discovery of this windfall proves that we were right to select as Party Chairman somebody who knows so much about the internet,” said David Cameron last night.

“After all, he has tens of thousands of Twitter followers, some of which weren’t lured by a bot that automatically followed dozens of people at a time.”


Mr Shapps has recently faced questions about the ‘get rich quick’ sites that he appears to be behind.

However it has emerged that they are – or were – nothing to do with him, and are – or were – actually run by his wife and elderly mother, both noted Internet experts.

“They are nothing to do with the Conservative Party,” said a source.

“That’s why we are referring all questions about them to the Conservative Party Press Office.”

The sites were created under the name of ‘Michael Green’, which is a pen name, and by no means an alias.

“I think if you look at the Internet archives at here you can see that there is absolutely nothing dodgy about his activities whatsoever,” said the source.

Grant Shapps hacked

“We’re excited by Grant’s new role, as he’s such a popular chap,” continued the source.

“After all, there appear to be at least three anonymous Wikipedia accounts that were created solely to make positive edits to Grant’s profile, and nothing else.”

“To have supporters like that, whoever they may be, is quite remarkable.”

Britain almost missed out on the Nigerian windfall, as back in 2007 Shapps had his computer badly hacked.

“It was distressing for him,” said the source. “It was during a vital byelection, and people were accusing him – him! – of posing as a Liberal Democrat online in order to concede defeat.”

“He had to explain that it was a hacker using his account.”

“Fortunately, the hacker didn’t steal his bank details, or use his emails, or do any of the hundreds of terrible things hackers can do – he just left a single message that he thought would be anonymous in a LibDem thread saying ‘hello, I’m a LibDem like you are, we are fucked, we should all go home now after we vote for the Conservative bloke.”

“It was so lucky. Almost a million-to-one chance.”

Meanwhile, money from the Nigerian contract is set to be pumped into deficit-reduction.

“Mr. Shapps has arranged this himself, with his contact in Nigeria, Dr. Broomhandle L. Cougar,” said the source.

“It is 100% safe and just requires immediate action and confidentiality.”

There are currently witterings below - why not add your own?

Previous post:

Next post: