Olympic opening ceremony to feature ‘fly-tipping and abandoned cars’

The Olympic opening ceremony will be inspired by the British countryside, and will feature a burnt-out Ford Mondeo and at least one abandoned fridge.

Leaked details suggest the action will also include a train of twenty drivers angrily trying to get past a tractor on a narrow country lane.

A cast of 10,000 volunteers will help recreate instantly recognisable scenes from the British countryside, including gangs of posh people in bright red tunics cheering wildly as an animal is torn apart by dogs in front of them.

Artistic director Danny Boyle told reporters, “We’ve focussed on showing exactly what makes the British countryside so unique.”

“Whether that be industrial parks built on what used to be green belt land, or a farmer doing nothing at all because the subsidies to do so pay better than growing things.”

Olympic opening ceremony

In an attempt to introduce some drama to the proceedings, Boyle confirmed rumours that a traveller community will be appear halfway through the performance, insisting they have a right to park up ‘wherever they bloody well like’.

He continued, “They will release intimidating dogs into the crowd, before being moved on by traditional looking British ‘Bobbies’ in riot gear – all watched by a couple of hundred photographers and news crews.”

“It really will be a sight to behold.”