Britain’s supermarkets are set to enter the lucrative assisted suicide market, after a report recommended legalising the practice for people who are in a hurry to check out and have ‘12 months or fewer’.
If the report’s recommendations are passed into law, it could trigger a price war between retail giants.
Sainsbury’s are considering offering double Nectar points for their service, while Lidl have dug a deep, trial pit in of one of their car parks, and covered the bottom with glass and nails.
“It may not be dignified, but the price is right”, said store manager Malcolm Barker.
“Our customers know that even if they don’t recognise the brands, they can trust our products to get the job done. I’ll even give you a little push.”
Ralph Nettles of Tesco’s Customer Terminations department thinks the change could be ‘a shot in the arm’ to the UK economy, and is pressuring MPs to allow the service to be extended to other groups.
“Why stop at the terminally ill?” asked Nettles.
“Anyone faced with January’s TV schedules, a wheelie bin that’s been blown over or a bedroom that needs decorating again must surely have considered our ‘Finest’ range of organic life solutions.”
“Or for a fiver, one of our security guards can suffocate thrifty consumers in the lobby, with a carrier bag. Every little helps.”
Around 160 Britons have so far taken a trip to the pioneering offices of Swiss-based Dignitas, to kill themselves in achingly cool, minimalist surroundings.
“Now that death is a commodity, we all aspire to a Swiss times-up piece,” said Nettles.
“But we all have busy lives. You can combine our service with some last-minute shopping, or picking up a couple of lottery tickets.”
“Besides, I’m not convinced the Dignitas service is really any better. They never seem to get any customer feedback.”