by As John Lewis reported a bumper Christmas trading period, the nation braced itself for the onset of thousands of crappy sentimental adverts from retailers seeking to emulate the department store giant.
Like for like sales were up 6.2% over the Christmas period, with many retail analysts claiming that this rise is the result of an advert featuring an entirely unbelievable representation of a modern British child.
Retail consultant Simon Williams told us, “People clearly respond well to this type of nauseatingly insipid sales message, so long may it continue.”
“We’re already working on a campaign with Iceland which shows a child screaming at the top of its lungs next to the Ice-cream cabinet whilst repeatedly pointing at an ice-lolly that it wants – but it turns out that the child just wants to give the ice-lolly to its mum.”
“It almost makes you want to vomit, doesn’t it? It’s going to be amazing.”
John Lewis figures
Others have suggested that these figures will herald a new dawn in retail advertising.
Agency creative Travis Matthews told us, “What these latest figures prove, beyond a shadow of a doubt, is that it is so easy to emotionally manipulate the entire country that it might as well be a fourteen year old girl being pitched at by Justin Bieber.”
Politics is the next great frontier for advertisements utilising the shmaltzy nostalgia of a young child behaving nothing like a real child, according to Matthews.
“We’ve got this one idea with a kid staying up all night painting protest placards for a demonstration rally, but the reveal is that it’s just because he wants to hug his hero George Osborne.”
“Yeah, we don’t think anyone will buy it either.”
