Stop eating, and stop having sex, Iain Duncan-Smith tells the poor

Iain Duncan Smith has clarified the government’s plans for the unemployed by telling them to cut down on food and to stop having sex altogether.

The former Work Secretary yesterday outlined plans to bring all benefits, including income and child support, into one Universal Credit that will allow the government to prevent poor people having children and being able to feed themselves, or indeed their children.

Duncan-Smith told reporters, “There is a growing number of unemployed scroungers in this country who are currently spending money they have not even earned on luxuries such as food.”

“They then use their days having endless unprotected sex, because they cannot afford contraception having recklessly blown all of your money on so-called ‘meals’.”

“The result of this appalling act of animal depravity is that they increase the burden upon the state, thanks to the bastard offspring they inevitably produce.”

Universal Credit

Duncan Smith continued, “It gets worse. Our figures show that out of work peasants are presently having as much as one meal a day, three times a week. All paid for by the tax payer.”

“This is wholly unacceptable. With the plan I have outlined, I promise to half those numbers and in turn, half the number of people that are having to endure life below the poverty line.”

Mr Duncan Smith did however, give these troublesome poor people the option to eat food and possibly have children too, provided they work in jobs that don’t actually exist, and which his party are trying desperately to create fewer of.”

The government are hoping to create new placements after Christmas, for which workers will not be paid but will receive complimentary chains.

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