by FIFA have announced a ban on Chelsea registering new players which will last for two transfer windows, or until Chelsea decide they want to to sign a new player, whichever comes sooner.
The punishment was meted out by Fifa after Chelsea was found guilty of stealing young Frenchman Gael Kakuta and smuggling him all the way to London in a hessian sack with nothing for company except thousands upon thousands of pounds.
A Fifa spokesperson said, “The punishment is fitting for the crime, and will remain in force and definitely not change once Chelsea decide they would actually like to buy some new players.”
Anger
Chelsea are furious at the decision, feeling it does not reflect the altruistic nature of their actions in freeing Kakuta from a life of poorly-paid servitude in France.
“All we did was suggest to a 16 year-old boy that he tell his club to piss off because he was coming to Chelsea to earn a fortune. Is that so wrong?” said Chelsea Chief Executive Peter Kenyon.
“You wouldn’t be upset if a girlfriend you’d nurtured for years left you because a millionaire waved a massive diamond bracelet at her, would you? Okay, that is a bad example.”
Chelsea’s Chief Counsel was more pragmatic, “We will let Fifa have their little victory, for now.” He told us, before reclining in his platinum armchair.
“Then, when January approaches and we need to buy some players, we will launch our well -trained attack-lawyers to drown them in legal paperwork ensuring that once again we can do whatever the fuck we feel like.”
Not everybody at Chelsea was disappointed with the decision. Andriy Shevchenko told us, “I’m delighted, I might even get a game now!”
