Soldiers in Afghanistan’s Helmand province have taken ingenious measures to protect themselves following recent penny-pinching rulings by the Ministry of Defence, which seemed certain to get many of them killed to all death.
The troops, sick of the MoD scaling down in their deployment of battlefield safety equipment and vital air-support helicopters, have discovered a new way to protect themselves.
“It involves cakes, lots of cakes”, explained Private Nik Kershaw, of 1st Battalion.
“We eat as much as we can and, after we reach our target weight, we miraculously become shielded from any harmful bullets or RPG’s, by the simple virtue of not actually being in Afghanistan any more”.
The plan exploits an ingenious loophole in the British Army’s deployment policy, which states that ‘Personnel (who are) Unable (to be) Deployed’ – or ‘fat fucks’ for short – cannot serve on the front line.
Instead, they are sent back to the UK to ‘sort themselves out’, thereby reducing the risk of being killed by a Taliban mortar attack by as much as 63%.
Sergeant Pete Murphy of 3rd Battalion is optimistic about the new front-line approach, “I think it will be more effective than bullet-proof helmets, Kevlar jackets and armour-plated helicopters combined.”
“There’s only one way to win a war and that is to make sure that you have more men left alive at the end of it than your enemy.”
“And if that means we have to have an army of fatsos not actually doing any fighting, then so be it!.”
Murphy’s squad leader, Captain Hugh Jass, explained his daily routine, “Now, instead of dangerous tours into hostile territory, we’re on a 23 hour a day tour of the mess hall, which we call ‘Operation Pie-Scoff’.”
“It’s been amazingly effective at saving British lives and we’ve already had six members of my squad sent back to Blighty, well out of harm’s way.”
“I myself hope to join them once I’ve had chance to neck some more burgers and chips.”