Excruciating pain and suffering is a beautiful thing, says vagina-less man

author avatar by 15 years ago

The pain of childbirth may have benefits on which women who opt for painkilling epidurals miss out, a man without a vagina has said.

Dr Denis Walsh, associate professor in midwifery at Nottingham University, said pain was a “beautiful rite of passage” which bonded baby and mother.

“It also has the added benefit of discouraging the local chavettes from dropping sprogs in between GCSE revision sessions.

“They’d be less likely to get knocked up if their labour pain wasn’t dulled by being up to their eyeballs on various drugs and anaesthetic.

“Plus, it’s much more difficult to look at a brochure of local council houses when you’re writhing around in excruciating agony.

NewsThump Best sellers

“But generally, women are lucky to have the opportunity to feel such pain, as it makes the gift of children that much more beautiful.”


Mothers have reacted strongly to the suggestion that epidurals should not be administered in the majority of cases.

“He can fuck right off,” said just about every single one of them.

“Let’s see him pass a watermelon out of his arse and see if he feels the same way then.

“Some of us tried the natural way, with the breathing, and meditation and stuff, but the minute those contractions kicked in I’d have murdered my own mother for an Ibuprofen.

“God gave us the beautiful gift of experiencing childbirth whilst on pain-reducing medication, and it would be sin not to use it to our full advantage.”