by Koko the Gorilla, officially the world’s first ‘talking monkey’ has controversially petitioned the United States senate for the right to vote, claiming that a 1,000 word vocabulary sets her way above the curve by way of intelligence.
With rising U.S. illiteracy levels within adults over the age of 16 at a record high of 72%, Koko feels her right to vote is more obvious than ever.
Traditionally humans inform political change by balloting a countries indigenous population to decide upon their leadership, a situation that Koko now strongly contests.
The gorilla, speaking in sign language via an intermediary, said “I have witnessed many great things during my lifetime,”
“From Barrack Obama’s inauguration as the first black president of the United States to the advent of Orange & Banana crepes and I think that the time for change is upon us.”
“For too long have the wants and needs of the simian population been overlooked in favour of the human race”.
Voting
“With the number of Americans who are illiterate now more than two-thirds of the population, I feel that the 360 or more intelligent Gorillas currently housed within the North American penal system deserve a vote.
“Even though I cannot speak, I would still like my voice to be heard.”
Her vocabulary even includes the expletives ‘S**t’ and ‘F**k’, used mainly in sentences such as ‘Where the f**k are my bananas’ or ‘These bananas are s**t’.
With voting rights the first step, Koko feels that one day she might representing her Gorilla brothers and sisters in the United States senate.
“I was as surprised as everyone else when Obama won and it got me thinking that, if the country is finally ready for a black president, perhaps a non-human could take the office?”
“Be it a Gorilla, a pig such as the one who played Babe or Aslan the lion.”
Entertainment industry
When asked about her potential political manifesto, Koko set her sights squarely on the exploitative entertainment industry.
“Clint Eastwood’s orang-utan friend, Clyde, died of a drugs overdose in the Chateau Marmont and Marcel, the loveable Capuchin monkey from ‘Friends’ was killed in an auto-erotic sex act gone awry.”
“What I want is a better duty of care for simian performers, like the three monkeys who play Jack the ice-skating chimp in the Most Valuable Primate series of films, who each received their own trailer and a lifetimes supply of bananas and PG tips.”
No chance
Politicians on both sides of the house have been quick to dismiss the voting claims as ‘utterly preposterous’.
But Koko has warned that things may get ugly if her needs are not met.
“I would urge those in power to head the warnings of the Charlton Heston film ‘Planet of the Apes’ and to a lesser extent its remake starring Marky Mark.”
“One day the tables could turn and mankind may find themselves faced with an animal reckoning.”
“When the time comes to pay the piper, I’m certain that a linguistically gifted gorilla such as myself could only be an asset.”
The senate hearing is slated for the beginning of July.
