Conservative MP John Bercow has been elected as the new speaker of the House of Commons following a tense campaign that absolutely nobody gave a flying toss about.
Following months of speculation, Bercow has taken the role under something of a cloud as every member of the public asked, “What is the bloody point?”
“It’s not like having the last speaker stopped them stealing, lying and fighting. So why should this one be any different.”
With promises of reform it is hoped Bercow will affect real change in the commons and favourably alter its perception as the home to over 600 chancers, cheats and charlatans.
Prime Minister Gordon Brown congratulated Bercow before saying he hoped that he would ‘reinvent’ the role of the Speaker of the House of Commons.
“You should bring your own style to the job, maybe start each session with a song. Or some topical stand-up?” said Brown.
“It would be good for you to get some limelight before we all get started and then completely ignore every word that comes out of your mouth.”
However Bercow has made it clear he will not take any misbehaving in the House under his tenure.
“Let them try and speak over me, just let them fucking try,” he told waiting reporters.
“I will go to town on ’em. I will make them wish they’d never been born.”
“I will have them begging for the sweet release death like a child begging for his Christmas presents.”
“The Speaker can legally stab people in the face, right?” he concluded.