President Obama this week impressed the entire planet by swatting a fly with so-called ninja-like reflexes, but the ninja union has been quick to point out that he is definitely not one of their members.
The surprising global interest in President Obama being able to do something that most normal people do a couple of times a week has shocked ninjas the world over.
“Is this really what people think us ninjas do?” said ninja spokesperson Shikimiri Aririnkichiri before reappearing mysteriously on the other side of the room.
“If he’d pulled out a shuriken and thrown it at the fly, splitting it perfectly in two, without even looking in its direction, I would have been impressed.”
“Or if he’d disappeared in a puff of smoke before the very eyes of the interviewer, before sneaking up on him and whispering his answer in his ear in extremely hushed tones.”
“But all he did was hit a stationary fly, which he had to sneak up on from behind. Big fucking deal.”
I can do that
On hearing of President Obama’s slight jump in his approval figures following the fly incident, Gordon Brown told Downing street staff, “I can do that!”
A Whitehall insider told us he has been obsessed with being filmed swatting a fly ever since.
“He’s had an aide follow him round number 10 with a camcorder all morning,” they said.
“Whenever he sees a fly, he lunges for it with an oversized tennis racket – much like an angry gorilla, but in a suit.”
“Unfortunately, he has the hand eye coordination of, well, a particularly uncoordinated one-eyed man.”
“Couple that with him having the physical dexterity of Jabba the Hutt, and as you can probably imagine, he’s been less than successful.”
“But it’s going to make some seriously good YouTube material.”