Darling admits, ‘I haven’t a clue’

Chancellor of the Exchequer, Alistair Darling, has confided with close friends that he has no idea what he is doing.

Darling, 55, who became Chancellor in June 2007 is said to have been under the impression that “spreadsheets and stuff” would tell him how to manage the economy.

It is alleged that he had seen a political aide using Microsoft’s Excel application to manage her monthly budget, and assumed he could do something similar for the nation’s finances when the Chancellor’s role became available.

Real Work

Sources close the Chancellor confirm that his expectations of the role were more of the ‘managerial’ and ‘honorary’ kind.

The actual day-to-day decisions required by the role are said to have been something of a shock.

This alleged admission has come at a bad time for the Labour party, as plummeting approval ratings see their chances of re-election fade by the day.

A senior Labour party spokesman was overheard saying that their best chance of re-election was if, “David Cameron actually disappears up his own fucking arsehole.”