Thursday 18 February 2016 by Gary Stanton

Pope to open Vatican City to refugees


Pope to open Vatican to Syrian refugees

The Pope is to fulfil his Christian duty by ensuring that the Vatican City takes its fair share of godforsaken Syrian refugees.

His holiness described the refugee crisis as a ‘modern catastrophe’, insisting all European states must do their bit, including little independent ones with stacks of gold and priceless artifacts.

The pontiff said that Muslims fleeing persecution and the Syrian NHS would receive a warm welcome from the clergy, none more so than the under-fives.

“Anyone with a good singing voice who can touch their toes,” he told us.

A new papal decree states that a quota of Muslims will be allowed access to Vatican gift shop doorways from midnight on Friday on the small condition that they renounce their faith.

Syrian migrant Saeed Willyamsi said: “Having spent the last six months being tear-gassed by Serbian fascists, I’m buggered if I’m going to the Vatican.”

Meanwhile the leader of the Roman Catholic Church warned those expecting a free ride were in for a shock.

He added, “Bring me your tired, your hungry and those with some basic skills like plumbers and electricians who don’t charge the earth.

“Some of these guys know their way around a three hundred year old central heating system right?

“Good – because ours is fucked.”

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