Sunday 10 February 2013 by Spacey and Gary Stanton

Product recall issued for Bible amid health and safety concerns


Bible Recall notice

A product recall has been issued for the Bible following concerns that users of the religious instruction manual could be putting themselves and others at risk.

The recall was issued following numerous reports of Bible owners behaving erratically and veering off to the right.

A Health and Safety Executive (HSE) spokesperson urged anyone owning a copy of the Bible to return it to their maker as soon as possible.

“The Bible, much like many instruction manuals, can be very confusing,” explained the spokesperson.

“It’s like trying to follow a step-by-step guide for putting together a self assembly storage unit.

“On the outside it promises to help build something that will restore a calmness and order to your life.

“But after a couple of hours you discover that none of it makes any sense, there are bits that don’t fit and when you call for help there’s no answer.”

Bible recall

47 year-old Colin Henderson from Bath has suffered endless problems since stumbling across a Bible during a night stay at a Premier Inn 3 years ago.

Believing himself to be free of sin, Henderson cast a first stone through the window of the hotel reception, and a second much larger rock into the face of a homosexual waiter causing £35,000 worth of damage.

Moments later Henderson became embroiled in a dispute with a party of American tourists whom he accused of idolatrous behaviour after one attempted to take a photograph of the hotel’s fountain.

“Revelations Chapter. 3 Verse 1 specifically states ‘Take out thy sword and smite thine enemies,’” Henderson told us.

“However, the ink had become smudged and I read it as nine enemies.”

Somerset police confirmed that a 47 year-old man has been charged with nine counts of murder and possession of an offensive weapon.

Religious dangers

Other serious health and safety concerns linked to the Bible have also led to product recall notices being issued for US Republicans, Christian rock music and Mel Gibson.

A Church of England spokesbishop rejected the idea that the Bible poses a risk to the public and insisted that its text provides “guidance and hope for everyone in troubled times”.

“Sure, there’s been a lot of suffering in the world perpetrated by those using religion as a form of justification,” he explained.

“But it’s like Jesus said – ‘Think not that I come to send peace on earth. I came not to send peace, but a sword.’

“You could point out that he also said, ‘Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God’.

“But that’s the great thing about the Bible – you can just delete as applicable.”

Jesus – Like Santa, but for grown-ups

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