Friday 24 August 2012

Mitt Romney excited to tell voters about planet he’ll get when he dies


Committed Mormon and Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney has told close friends he can’t wait to let the American people know about the planet he’s getting when eventually dies.

Romney believes American voters would definitely warm to a man who will become the God of his own planet if he doesn’t drink and gives lots of money to his church.

Despite gentle persuasion from his closest aides, Romney seems keen to use the presidential election as a great way to tell people about all the batshit crazy stuff he believes in.

As one campaign worker explained, “We’ve got a stump speech on the economy for him, which he insisted in reworking into a story about Kolob, a planet where Jesus lives or something.”

“He’s comparing his election manifesto to the golden plates supposedly found in the woods by Joseph Smith after he was directed to them by an angel – all a precursor to him creating a whole new religion for himself in the early 1800s of course.”

“We’re not sure it’s going to be well received by the voters, so we’re pushing for some amendments.”

Romney on campaign trail

Voters have said they’re really keen to hear more from Romney and this planet of his.

Alabama resident Chuck Williams asked, “Do they have cable?  What about the jews? The can get everywhere you know.”

“What I really want is a president with his finger on the button making that decision based on how it’ll affect his chances of becoming God of his own planet.”

“How could that possibly be a bad thing?”

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