Wait…do the people actually love me? asks bemused Theresa May

Despite expecting catastrophic results in the local elections due to the recent performance of her government, Theresa May has been left delighted to have lost only two councillors across the country so far.

May, who was secretly convinced her party would pay at the polls for the Windrush scandal and their ongoing botch-job of negotiating Brexit, has been left with no option but to consider the possibility that the nation actually loves her.

She told insiders in Downing Street,”Yes, some people will say it’s because the alternatives are weaker than we are shit, but I prefer to think of it as the nation finally coming round to my cold dispassionate leadership style.

“I’m like the Grandma you only ever see at funerals and who repeatedly tells you to be quiet, but for some reason, people seem to like it.

“I mean, if you listen to Labour supporters, Jeremy Corbyn has never been more popular and his people’s momentum is sweeping him towards a massive victory at the next general election, but here he is leading a party that has barely made a dent in our support across the country during the local elections.

“And if they are right about Corbyn being popular, then I think the only explanation is that people secretly love me – it can have nothing to with most people not seeing him as a viable alternative to me.

“Of course, I suppose it’s technically possible that I’m doing an awful job in charge of a government that is in disarray, but that the alternatives to me aren’t as popular as they think they are.

“No, it’s definitely that they love me.”