Diane Abbott fails to find her own arse with both hands and a torch

Diane Abbott has spectacularly failed to locate her own arse in a televised interview today.

Broadcast on Sky News, Abbott was asked about the location of her arse and struggled for an answer for several minutes before it became clear she didn’t know.

Helpful interviewers offered her the use of a torch to help her find it, but after failing to turn it on Diane eventually gave up, saying that finding her arse wasn’t ‘the most pressing issue facing the British people’.

“I plan to leave finding my arse to experts, because that’s why we employ them,” Abbott told stunned presenters.

“I can’t be expected to have my arse at my fingertips. It’s very difficult to stay on top of my briefs at the best of times.”

When told that voters might expect a senior minister to be able to find their own arse in a snowstorm, Abbott became angry, saying that the party had no plans to show her arse to the voters until after the election.

Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn said Abbott has his full support, and that he has located her arse several times.

“If she can’t find it, I’ll be happy to help again,” he chuckled.

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