Leprechauns bastards, warn Irish

International revellers hoping to befriend a Leprechaun on St Patrick’s day have been warned to steer clear of the vicious little bastards.

Leprechauns, who are often shown as jolly sprites embodying the happy spirit of celebration, are actually surly and violent drunkards who’ll climb on a chair to stab you in the face if they have to.

Simon O’Williams, professor of Lechrechology at the Portlaoise Institute of Science and Technology (PIST) warned:

“You’ve heard of short man syndrome, right? Well, your average leprechaun is under three feet tall, and they’re the very essence of short-tempered disgruntlement distilled into one compact, terrifyingly wiry body with the self-control of a rabid badger.

“The real reason Ireland doesn’t have snakes is because Leprechauns went round headbutting them in the groin until they agreed to leave and never come back.

“And snakes don’t even have groins.

“If you see a leprechaun, you’re advised to back away slowly, avoid eye contact and, if you value your scrotum, don’t – I can’t stress this enough – DON’T mention ‘lucky charms’.”

The city of Chicago has admitted that the annual tradition of dyeing the river green is actually the result of thousands of Leprechauns relieving themselves into it on the way home from a ‘massive bender’ the night before.

Locals are warned against drinking the green water as leprechaun wee can cause strong hallucinations.

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