Donald Trump to spend Valentine’s Day wanking into a bin

The leader of the free world will have to sort himself out this Valentine’s day.

With his wife busy promoting America’s official clothing line, and the Donald having forgotten to send her flowers, the odds of the President getting his end away are slim.

“Even slimmer bearing in mind we’re not allowed any female staff around here,” grumped White House spokesperson, Simon Williams.

“Not just because they are less able as employees, but also because we don’t want to put temptation in the President’s way. God knows we’ve enough shit to deal with.

“So it’s just going to be Donald, and his special pedal bin, with a photo of Miss Universe glued to the underside of the lid.

“Don’t feel too sorry for him, he actually kind of likes it. He always says ‘it looks huge in my hand’, which isn’t something I want to think about too much.

“You should feel sorrier for the poor Mexican that has to scrub the bin every year. I’ve no idea what we’re paying him, but it’s definitely not enough.”