Greece told to put the lotion on the skin or it gets the hose again

The European Union has told Greece to put the lotion on its skin or it will get the hose again, we can report this morning.

Greece, which the EU has been keeping in a pit in the basement for the last seven years, made a stirring attempt to get free this weekend by holding Angela Merkel’s dog to ransom, but it seems to have failed.

The nation’s creditors are now suggesting that unless it puts the dog in the basket, with the lotion, it will be sorry.

“We are committed to helping Greece overcome its difficulties,” we were told by ECB head Mario Draghi.

“Keeping this proud nation in an old well and periodically spraying it with a fire hose unless it does exactly as it is told is part of the process of public-sector reform and debt amortisation.”

“It doesn’t want to end up like mother, in the bath, does it? No it doesn’t.”

“So it puts the lotion on its skin.”

Critics are increasingly suggesting that keeping Greece locked in a basement and subjecting it to frequent waterboarding is not a recognised method of helping a country return to economic growth, but the International Monetary Fund insists Greece is a special case.

“So beautiful”, an IMF spokesman told us.

“We can hollow it out and wear its skin when we’re done.”

“Oh, hang on, is this thing on?”