Smoking can lead to reality television, find researchers

Smoking does so much harm to the human brain that it can lead you to watch reality television, new research has discovered.

A study of 8,800 people showed that smoking twenty a day can lead to an increased chance of spending Saturday nights at home being emotionally manipulated by Simon Cowell.

Dr Simon Williams who led the study told us, “Smoking adversely affects memory, learning and the ability to recognise when you’re being treated like a simpleton.”

“Give someone a cigarette and they will literally sit through anything. Just this morning all of our smokers wanted to know what we thought about something called a ‘Rylan’, whatever that is.”

“We also found that people who stopped smoking eventually took a passing interest in the odd documentary; and that with five years free from nicotine they are willing to consume films with subtitles.”

Smoking rots brain

Researchers also claimed that people needed to realise that smoking not only affects their physical health, but also their chances of being identified as a complete moron.

Williams went on, “Are people who smoke less intelligent? It’s difficult to say for certain as I wouldn’t talk to one outside the lab for long enough to find out.”

“But if you’re considering becoming a smoker, I think you first need to make a list of all the really positive things about smoking, and then very quickly realise that every single one of them is complete bullshit.”