New equalities minister calls for equal rights for all apart from gays and foreigners

New culture secretary, Maria Miller, who has also been handed the brief for women’s and equalities issues, has said she will work tirelessly to ensure equal rights for everyone who isn’t gay or looks a bit foreign.

Ms Miller, who has voted against a number of gay rights issues as well as voting to legitimise racial hatred and homophobia as ‘freedom of speech’, insisted that she was the perfect person to ensure fairness for all.

“I am committed to ensuring that everyone who is white, heterosexual and British receives equal treatment,” she said.

“I’m also committed to ensuring that gays and foreigners receive an alternative form of equal treatment that will be different from the equal treatment that everyone else gets.”

New equalities minister

The MP for Basingstoke has been promoted to the role in a reshuffle that has been described by some critics as the most pointless exercise since Eric Pickles put on a pair of trainers to phone Pizza Hut.

George Osborne, Michael Gove, Theresa May, William Hague and Iain Duncan Smith will all remain in the same roles, although Iain Duncan Smith turned down the role of justice secretary after revealing he would rather remain in his current position of deciding the punishments of innocent people.

David Cameron will face questions at Prime Minister’s Questions later today amid concerns that the reshuffle is the equivalent of freshening up a dog turd with a plastic flower.

A Downing street spokesman, said: “By not replacing the man in charge of the government’s economic strategy, I’m sure this reshuffle will restore faith in the government’s economic strategy.”

“It shows that we mean business.”

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