US to introduce fast-track tourist visas for those with five years of public Donald Trump sycophancy

The United States has unveiled a new “Patriot Plus” fast-track visa system allowing foreign tourists to jump to the front of the queue, provided they can demonstrate at least five consecutive years of unwavering, publicly visible devotion to Donald Trump on social media.

Under the scheme, applicants will be approved within minutes if immigration officials are satisfied that they have regularly posted phrases such as “absolute legend,” “tell it like it is,” or “best president ever, no contest,” preferably accompanied by flag emojis and several spelling mistakes.

Chuck Williams, an official for the Department of Homeland Security said the system would make America “much, much safer” by ensuring only visitors with “the correct vibes” were allowed into the country.

“You can tell a lot about someone from their online behaviour,” Williams explained.

“If they’ve defended Trump during at least three unrelated scandals, and blamed the media for something that was clearly on video at least once, then that’s the kind of moral judgement we’re looking for from visitors to this United States.”

Travellers with a history of liking Trump posts between 2am and 4am local time will receive automatic upgrades, while bonus points will be awarded for phrases such as “rent free,” “witch hunt,” and “he’s playing 4D chess.”

Applicants who have ever deleted a tweet criticising Trump will also be considered, provided the deletion was followed by a lengthy apology thread or a sudden pivot to complaining about cancel culture.

Meanwhile, visitors whose social media history reveals nuance, irony, or basic media literacy are expected to face significantly longer delays.

“It’s not that we don’t welcome criticism,” Williams clarified.

“We just think it should come from Americans, quietly, and preferably years later, and in a podcast no one listens to.”

The policy is expected to be especially popular ahead of the World Cup and the 2028 Olympics, where fast-tracked tourists who are sufficiently sycophantic will enjoy express airport lanes, priority seating, and a ceremonial nod from a man wearing sunglasses indoors.

Tourists whose accounts are private have been advised to immediately make them public and begin posting praise “retroactively and convincingly,” starting with 2020 presidential election, where extra points will be awarded to anyone who posted to suggest the election was “stolen”.

White House officials stressed that the programme is voluntary, adding, “You don’t have to flatter him. You just won’t get in if you don’t.”

Advertisement

NewsThumpNotebooks

Somewhere to write down everything that’s wrong with the world. You may need several.

See the full collection →