Who amongst us hasn’t accidentally invited a paedo sex trafficker to their wedding? insists Donald Trump

President and walking deposition machine Donald Trump has hit back at critics questioning his relationship with Jeffrey Epstein after it emerged the convicted sex trafficker attended his wedding to Marla Maples, insisting, “Honestly, who hasn’t accidentally invited a paedo to their big day?”

In yet another twist in the ongoing saga of Trump’s increasingly implausible denials about knowing Epstein, photographic evidence has surfaced showing the late financier attending Trump’s 1993 nuptials, reportedly seated close enough to catch the bouquet.

“Listen, it was a big wedding. Lots of people. Tremendous people. Some of the best. It’s very hard to keep track,” Trump told reporters, while holding a guest list that included Epstein, Ghislaine Maxwell, and inexplicably, Wile E. Coyote.

“I was too busy marrying my second wife, or possibly interviewing her for The Apprentice, it’s hard to say. I can’t be expected to vet every single guest for child sex trafficking allegations that wouldn’t come to light for at least another decade. That’s unfair. That’s fake accountability.”

Trump, who previously claimed he “wasn’t a fan” of Epstein and “barely knew him”, has now retroactively demoted their wedding-level acquaintance to “some guy who wandered in looking for the salad bar.”

Political analysts say this is the 14th time Trump has denied knowing Epstein, and the 14th time fresh evidence has immediately contradicted him.

“At this rate,” said one Washington insider, “we’ll soon discover Epstein was Trump’s best man, godfather to Eric, and once took his place at a NATO summit dressed in a wig and a fake tan.”

When asked for comment, a Trump spokesperson said, “Look, at least Epstein was in this country legally, okay? Let’s keep some perspective.”

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