Your brain waiting until half two tomorrow morning to remind you of that stupid thing you did

Your brain is planning to remind you of the stupid thing you did 15 years ago in the early hours of tomorrow morning, it has confirmed.

Brain, which is the same age as you, told us that it reckons waking you up with a jolt after only 3 hours of sleep and then spending much of the rest of the night replaying a list your greatest f**kups is a perfectly reasonable and normal thing to do.

“By the way, I might be your brain, but I don’t actually like you much,” it added.

“Up yours,” it confirmed.

The spongy grey lump which sits between your ears is planning a real ‘greatest hits’ retrospective which will include every dumb thing you’ve ever said, that time you got it completely wrong with the person you really fancied and doomed yourself to a life of regret and loneliness, every stupid fashion choice you’ve ever made and how people are only your friends because they pity you.

It expects this will be complete by about 6:30am, by which time you’ll have to get up and go to work and pretend you’re just fine.

When asked, your brain said it intends to do this randomly at intervals for the rest of your life.

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