Britain First march in Manchester: Hundreds hospitalised with severely grazed knuckles

Greater Manchester Police have called for calm after a Britain First “Day of Action” this weekend resulted in a mass-casualty event involving what paramedics have described as “extensive pavement-related hand trauma.”

The march, which aimed to “reclaim the streets,” was reportedly slowed to a crawl as hundreds of participants fell victim to the city’s uneven Victorian paving slabs and a fundamental misunderstanding of bipedalism.

“It started as a standard protest,” said witness Sarah Matthews, “but as the chanting got louder, their posture seemed to suffer. By the time they reached Deansgate, the front line was basically a row of angry men inadvertently sanding their own fingers down on the tarmac. It was like watching a migration of very cross, very confused, Silverbacks.”

Local A&E departments have reportedly struggled to cope with the influx of “patriotic friction burns.”

“We’re seeing a lot of shattered metacarpals and gravel-rash on the pinky-joints,” confirmed Dr. Simon Williams.

“It’s a classic case of what we call ‘Evolutionary Regression Syndrome.’ When the blood pressure rises alongside a total lack of historical nuance, the centre of gravity drops, the arms lengthen, and the pavement becomes a very unforgiving treadmill for the knuckles.”

A spokesperson for Britain First denied that the injuries were a result of anatomical shortcomings, blaming the “slippery, pro-EU texture” of Manchester’s pedestrianised zones.

“Our lads were standing tall,” the spokesperson insisted while awkwardly trying to pick up a megaphone with his wrists.

“It’s just that the pavement in this city is clearly biased against the traditional British gait. We are demanding the council install softer, more rubberised surfaces for the next time we need to lope aggressively toward a mosque.”

The march eventually dispersed when it was pointed out that a nearby branch of Greggs required the use of opposable thumbs to operate the door handle, a task that proved beyond the reach of the injured vanguard.

At the time of writing, Manchester City Council has refused to lower the height of the city’s pavements, despite claims that they are ‘deliberately discriminating’ against those with a lower centre of gravity.

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