Timothée Chalamet wins FIFA Best Actor Award

Timothée Chalamet has won arguably the most prestigious prize in cinema, apart from all the others.

The pixie-faced butcher of the name “Timothy” was crestfallen when he didn’t win the Best Actor award at the Oscars, which is the proper awards do for movie stuff.

“But this is even better,” lied Chalamet, holding his FIFA Best Actor award.

“Honestly, this is better than an Oscar, mostly because I’m the one who has won it.

“Any ballet dancers or opera singers win this award? No? Didn’t think so. This is mine. My actor trophy. For my acting.”

FIFA awards chief, Roger Flatley, said, “I have the most bullshit job in the world.

“Sorry, what was your question? Oh yes, young Chalamet. He gets a gong. We are all very happy for him and hope he can now cheer the fuck up.

“Our awards function purely as a way for placating whiny celebrities who feel they should have won proper awards. Trump got the Peace Prize, Chalamet got the acting one, and next month we’ll make something up for Kid Rock, who unfathomably expected to get a Grammy nod this year.”