Donald Trump orders release of Epstein files just as soon as staff finish redacting anything that incriminates him
by Rich Smith 11 months ago 
Donald Trump has given his team a calendar month to finish redacting the Epstein files to ensure they contain nothing incriminating against him when they finally see the light of day.
The President proudly signed a Bill ordering the release of “every last Epstein document” within 30 days, insisting it was “time for full transparency,” just as soon as his staff finish making the files suitable for public consumption. Or at least suitable for consumption by his public.
According to aides, the 30-day window is “absolutely essential” to allow for standard administrative tasks such as removing coffee stains, updating staples, and, entirely coincidentally, replacing the name “Donald Trump” with “Barack Obama” wherever it appears more than twice on a page.
One staffer, speaking on condition of anonymity and from behind a very large shredder, explained, “We’re just making the documents clearer and easier to interpret.
“For example, whenever the word ‘girls’ appears, we’ve helpfully corrected it to ‘golf’. And if you happen to see the phrase ‘private island visit’, don’t worry, that’s now ‘charity fundraiser’. Much more presidential sounding.”
Another insider said the team is working around the clock with a selection of large black markers, correction fluid, and a thesaurus opened permanently to the words innocent, misunderstood, and photoshopped.
Trump himself assured reporters that the final files will be “the most honest, most beautiful documents you’ve ever seen, with absolutely no lies, except the ones put there by the Deep State before we fixed them.”
Critics have questioned whether altering the documents defeats the purpose of releasing them, but Trump dismissed such concerns, saying, “People deserve the truth, and my team is working very hard to make sure that’s exactly what you get, the truth, which everyone knows is a version of events where I look fantastic.”
The files are expected to be released exactly on schedule, assuming the team doesn’t run out of ink or synonyms for “coincidence”.
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