‘Patriot’ bursts blood vessel in eye after learning train hero has foreign-sounding name

A brave patriot has this morning burst a blood vessel in his eye after learning that the heroic train worker who almost gave his life to save passengers during the Huntingdon knife attack is called Samir Zitouni.

Derek Williams began shaking and straining at the neck this morning as the news agencies began revealing further details about the train worker critically injured in the train attack, including his name and a photo.

A neighbour described Derek using an infrequent nasal snort to relieve the pressure, and an increasing tension in his neck, before his left eye finally blew a blood vessel to leave it looking hideously bloodshot.

Derek told us, “It’s not a pretty sight. Getting worked up about immigrants being bad is our thing, obviously, but most of the time, the funny names are on the other side, which ensures we stay furious and have somewhere to point our anger.

“It just doesn’t compute. The guy with the knife was called Williams, literally the same surname as me, and the hero sounds like he could be a North African migrant. Where do I put all that anger? Turns out it went into my left eye.”

Derek went on to explain that there might be a learning opportunity here if people are willing to look for it. He went on, “One conclusion you could draw from this entire episode would be to perhaps not react quite so quickly to tragic incidents as they unfold, and to wait for more information to be released before deciding if something confirms your existing biases, or not.

“Or, we could just double down and insist it’s a conspiracy by the mainstream media to try and make immigrants sound good so that they can take over the whole country.

“Yeah, that sounds much more my speed.”

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