Kemi Badenoch uses annual Conference to announce drastic cuts in honesty

Party officials at the Conservative conference have announced that there needs to be a significant cut in honesty if the Tories are to win the next general election.

This week’s party leader Kemi Badenoch has so far sought to present the Tories as the party who will deal with the problems facing the nation by being entirely dishonest with the voting public about their causes and cures.

Simon Williams, a 27 year old teacher in Sussex, who said, “I’ve never really been what you’d call a Conservative voter, but I like the sound of these plans to give me free money and make everything better.

“I am having doubts about being perpetually poor, so I like that they’re promising things that sound nice.

“No, I’m not particularly interested in the details, how would that help?”

Badenoch said the country has ‘definitely run out of money’, but it’s so much nicer to announce billions in spending that is unlikely to ever happen.

The original draft for a new “No more honesty” poster was cancelled after Tory backbenchers warned the image of those words coming out of the mouths of the remaining high-profile Tories probably came across as being a little too ‘honest’.

“Yes, technically it’s true – our policies will focus heavily on significant reductions of honesty with the voting public,” explained one long-serving Tory MP.

“But as we’ve seen with the rise of Reform, people no longer really need the truth in order to support something. A comforting delusion is more than enough for about 35% of the population.”

A conservative insider told us, “Thankfully Labour have done such an awful job in this first year, that all we really have to do is say we’ll do the opposite of them, while ensuring we’re never, ever, honest about what this means, or how we’ll pay for it..

“From this point on, I think it’s safe to assume that anything coming out of Kemi’s mouth is at best, a complete lie.

“We needn’t worry about consequences and stuff, as no one ever holds us to our promises anyway.”

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